Life has been hard y’all.
And, that is a judgment.
We can all say 2020 really has been hard. It hasn’t missed with the beauty too.
This season for me has been full of immense change + pendulation.
Joy + bliss right along side grief + overwhelm. Movement + growth + travel coupled with confronting limiting beliefs + letting go in big ways.
What I find comforting is that each piece belongs, matters, & is allowed. I’ve created a life where every emotion, every feeling, is welcome. Met with gratitude. Loved even.
That is not to say it is easy…
Many of us are fixers, by nature or nurture, we often see someone struggling or in pain and we step in to help. (For clarity, in the current state of affairs, I am not talking about someone in pain by actual danger, physical brutality, etc. I am addressing mental states of pain from life happening.) A lot of us learned these behaviors by attempting to please our parents, teachers, and authority. It is a learned pattern of compliance though, not rooted in compassion and understanding to become better humans.
Unfortunately what you may think is helping may actually be counterproductive…
If you are curious about what is right for you, wondering what to chose next, how to proceed with work, or a relationship, the first step is to simply listen. Now I am not going to tell a joke here but you know the one where a guy walks into a bar… the type of person that walks in with his chest puffed out and a mocking smile as if he has nothing to prove, usually that is the first sign that he is afraid he actually does. Whereas the man who walks in and knows who he is doesn’t…
Let’s talk about boun-da-ries, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things about boundaries… if you’re not singing along, I can’t with you! I kid, I kid.
What are boundaries you ask? Oh, I love Kelsey Grant’s (@radicalselflove) definition, “Boundaries are the high-quality information we give to others to help them love us better.” Boundaries teach others how to treat us. Boundaries are like the fence surrounding your home (you) that keep those out who don’t treat you how you want to be treated.
AND the yard in between the house and…
How well do you know yourself? Do you know what you need in a crisis? When you push others away? When you want to share good news? Do you know yourself so well that the inevitable ups and downs of life are not your undoing?
Life is hard and amazing, painful and beautiful, wondrous and full of unknowns. In order to navigate it, we must know who we are and what we need on a deep level. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, soulfully, do you know what you need and do you have the tools you need for yourself to survive…
Imposter syndrome sounds like, ”Who am I to do this?”
”How can I help someone when this happened to me?”
”My life was a mess, so how can I offer anything?”
”Who’s going to listen to what I have to say?”
”I’m not good enough to do that?” And my first question back is ”Whose voice does that belief belong to?” We only have to be one step ahead on the path to help someone along.
Imposter syndrome is a fancy way of saying I’m not good enough. But you are, you always have been. …
Everything that is dark behind me, is now among the arsenal of tools I use to keep the light in front of me.
I can’t wish it away or different and also keep my experiential lens that I see such beauty and wonder through.
The past keeps my compass in check and my due North undeniable.
Every single break, hurt, ache, setback, and scar are the exact ones I would take or make again to have this life, here and now.
Every single time I thought, “Fuck! Why this, why me, what now?” or wanted to take it all back…
Oh hey there inner critic… we need to have a little chat. (Sets coffee down). ⠀
On the inner critic — what would happen if you felt the mean you that shows up and you were like, “Hey man, I hear you, and I am sorry I haven’t spoken to you in so long — you have hurt my feelings quite a bit, but I want to set a boundary here. We don’t deserve this and your voice really doesn’t even belong to us. I know you have held this job for a really long time and back then…
Before you learned to listen to those who should have loved you better, you were free. Before you believed them, you were in your truth.
Shame, different from guilt, isn’t that you did something bad, it is the belief that you are bad. That is often delivered directly from parents, mentors, religious influences, family, and society, because hurt people, hurt people. But it is time to release, to receive your own truths and shed the programming that holds you back.
When you find yourself down, feeling like you can’t, shouldn’t have, and are being overly hard on yourself, pause and ask yourself…
Recently I have been reading, Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg. The following came from this book.
The idea is simple, putting it into practice is profound. How often do you feel obligated to something as if you do not have a choice? Further, how often do you use the obligation or lack of choice as a way of hiding from your responsibility?
Here is an example from the book.
A teacher said, “I hate giving grades. I think they create anxiety for the students and I do not think they are helpful. But, I have to because it is the school…