Responsibility vs. fault

Responsibility: The state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one’s power, control, or management.

Fault: A defect or imperfection; flaw; failing. Responsibility for failure or a wrongful act, misdeed or transgression.

When I left my abusive relationship I was so critical of myself. I adopted his way of treating me for myself and was impossibly hard on myself. For example, his underhanded way of complimenting me went something like, “That outfit looks really good, what size is that dress? A six, huh, can you imagine how much more beautiful you would look like as a 2!” Wait, what? There would be weeks at the beginning where he would be sweet, sometimes even kind and then wham — something to whip me back into reality and say “Did I hear that right?”. As the years of conditioning passed those weeks turned into days until I was longing to remember why I was with him to begin with. Then, the scale continued to shift.

I often compare it to an addiction, he pumped me full of goodness, slowly withdrawing to gain control and then fulfilling my need again. He would give me just enough good to keep me his and then pull away — cutting me off from the one thing I wanted, push pull, push pull, until I began to forget who I was without the addiction (him).